Up To Date With Ethan Callender Entry 26: Mein Kopfkissen (German For MyPillow)

Mercifully, former President Trump has been losing a good chunk of his remaining support over the past year. However, those who have held out hope for his return haven’t gone anywhere. Well, except going off the deep end of the Grand Canyon. Exhibit A in this shameful display is MyPillow CEO and newly prominent far-right influencer Mike Lindell. Sure, this boneheaded moron is an easy target, but there are many reasons why I’m finally giving him an entry.

The first reason is the sheer amount of material he has blessed political memers with. From botched “cyber symposiums” about alleged (and practically nonexistent) voter fraud to pitching various dates for the “reinstatement” of the defeated President Trump, Lindell has endured an amount of mockery that would traumatize any reasonable person for life. However, Lindell is not a very reasonable person, and I’m being extremely generous to him with that assessment. The other reason is the fact that there are people in America who take what he says seriously, and even typing that made me nauseous. Therefore, in this entry, I will dissect his various ventures and arguments, if they can even be called that.

To begin, I must point out that Lindell has had a troubled life, especially for a now-rich businessman. Gambling and cocaine addictions are vices I wouldn’t wish on anybody, and I’m glad he turned his life around from that point. That said, this does not excuse his dreadful record with the fact-checkers or his odd business practices. Just be mindful as you read this entry that Mike Lindell still has some serious issues. The issues themselves are not worthy of jokes, but what he does to vent these issues out is completely ridiculous.

Now, let’s talk about those pillows. In 2004, Lindell started making MyPillows, followed by low-grade, yet highly effective, commercials for them. In 2009, he revealed he achieved sobriety “through prayer”, and around this time, MyPillow became a household name, likely due to a ‘buy one, get one free’ promotion that turned out to be permanent. This permanent promotion would come back to bite him by 2017 in light of various controversies, lawsuits, and low guest satisfaction. However, the brand is still going to this day. Oh joy.

At last, it is time to talk about Mike Lindell’s political activities, including numerous pro-Trump activities and a pathetic excuse for a “pro-life” movie that is both disturbing and laughable. According to my twin brother, he accidentally stumbled on a particularly disturbing clip from the film, and while he was mortified, he also burst out laughing at how exaggerated it all was. Suffice to say that this movie, 2019’s Unplanned, was an abomination at best to the critics, and a terrible excuse for “pro-life” propaganda. However, it had its audience, and did quite well in the faith-based film market, but the topics this film brings up are for another time.

Earlier on, I hinted about Mike Lindell being a godsend for political memers. Now, it’s time to go full throttle. To sift through all of Mike Lindell’s boneheaded pro-Trump acts is akin to an hour-long prostate exam. What I mean is that it’s painful, miserable, and wastes a lot of unnecessary time that you’ll never get back. While those exams are only for health reasons, reading through his truckload of MyPillows filled with bulls*** almost drove me insane. All of the following are real headlines about Mike Lindell, and all of my responses will be totally genuine.

Trump’s memoir won’t be the only one with multiple Chapter 11’s.

You’re burning through millions a month for this?!

And I thought God was loving…

And so do you!