Baseball is widely said to be America’s National Pastime, and while it’s absolutely not that these days, it is still my favorite sport to analyze. Because of that, I feel qualified and ready to briefly tackle the seasons of all 30 MLB teams. The season could have led to a playoff berth, or the team could’ve dug themselves a hole deep into the Earth. Regardless, every team played 162 games this season, but some teams in MLB are more equal than others if you catch my drift. If you don’t, you probably will have a little more of an understanding after this entry.

    Going first in this parade are the Arizona Diamondbacks. This team as of now can safely be called a one-hit wonder in terms of championship contention, and that did not change this year. Finishing 4th in the NL West and not even reaching a .500 record, this team has hit the skids. After all, their best hitter is a man I legitimately did not recall hearing of before this writing. They also have former playoff hero Madison Bumgarner, and he’s completely terrible. Their actual best pitcher is named Zac Gallen, and he is about the only player on this team who can be called even a starlet. The team may be named after rattlesnakes, but this one has no fangs. 

    The Atlanta Braves, on the other hand, are absolutely killing it. A 100-win season is always impressive, and it looks like they will win their division, despite a mighty challenge from the Mets. Regardless, they have stomached the loss of Freddie Freeman incredibly well. The pitching is still solid, and the new face of the team appears to be Dansby Swanson. That is, as long as he sticks around, which is doubtful because of free agency. The Braves have it all right now, especially with momentum being so much on their side. Just change the name after this contending window shuts, please. Native American themes, and especially mascots, are just so distasteful.

    Next are the Baltimore Orioles, who after a few years of painful rebuilding, finally don’t suck. They’re still decent at best, but they have hope for the future. After all, Adley Rutschman is their new catcher, and he’s looking like a stud. The future is bright in Baltimore, even if the record this year won’t show much more than a mediocre .500 team. This team needs to do well next season, though, or else they may end up like another team later on the list.

    The Boston Red Sox are all-in every year when it comes to the talent on the field. The only problem is that going all-in so frequently doesn’t always pay off well. Such losses are instead reflected in the win-loss records of the past few years. What has this team done since their 2018 championship? Losing to the Astros in the ALCS last year inspired the management to go all-in again, but they instead finished last in the division. Yes, the AL East was stacked this year, but as a Yankees fan, I can’t help but laugh while I feel bad for them. Better luck next year, Boston. Here’s hoping you don’t lose Xander Bogaerts and Rafael Devers, because Trevor Story and Alex Verdugo are not franchise talents.

    The Chicago Cubs are now a hollowed-out husk of the glory they had in 2016. In fact, the last notable player left from that championship team is Willson Contreras, and he is a free agent after this year. That’s because they are in a rebuilding period right now, having traded all their other cornerstones back in 2021, leaving the fans devastated and the team mediocre. Seiya Suzuki has been decent, though, as well as some of the other hitters. On top of that, the pitching depth is strong with many high-l;evel prospects coming up. The Cubs may have a shot in a couple of years, but man, having less than 75 wins speaks for itself.

    The Chicago White Sox were projected to win the AL Central this season. They finished in third, ahead of two of the worst teams in baseball. That is a disaster of a season right there, and it sucks to see a managerial legend like Tony La Russa go out like this. He had been a shell of himself in Chicago, and frankly, the team was sad to follow because of it. They have talents like Dylan Cease and Jose Abreu as cornerstones, but the team perpetually underperforms. Without La Russa hindering them next season, they better be better than this. Otherwise, this is a completely wasted window for the White Sox. In fact, they may have blown their shot because of another team’s emergence.

    One team that completely, undeniably sucked this year was the Cincinnati Reds. Their season started out with a 3-22 record, and thankfully got a smidge better from there. They’re still one of the worst teams in the league, though. If last year had a sixth seed in the playoffs like this year does, they would’ve made it. Instead of that glory, however, they have sunk to the bottom of the Ohio River. It’s a literal Code Red with this team right now.

    The Cleveland Indians Guardians had a wonderful season this year. Most of this is because the rest of the AL Central kept stepping in their own s***, but a 90-win season is still impressive. They are a young, hungry team, so their window may be a long one, at least for a small-market organization. Steven Kwan is fast and gets on base. Jose Ramirez is a legit cornerstone, and Amed Rosario has had a breakout season. Shane Bieber is an ace, and Emmanuel Clase is a lights-out closer. They have all the makings of a team that can go surprisingly far, and their time in the spotlight will come. But that logo looks like it was designed on Microsoft Paint in the 90s.

    The Colorado Rockies are a directionless, messy team, and I’m starting to suspect that is by design. Their pitching will always be spotty, regardless of the talent the pitchers have. After all, their stadium in Denver is a mile above sea level, leading to a hitter’s paradise. Specifically, this means a lot of fly balls become home runs more easily because of less air resistance. Their best hitter, CJ Cron, doesn’t even have an .800 OPS. He’s good, but Kris Bryant is their best player whenever he’s healthy. He appeared in just over 40 games this year, though, and is on a massive contract signed this past offseason. The Rockies are going to need a bounceback, and probably a more invested owner, too.

    And now, it’s time for a clown show. The Detroit Tigers are a shambles of a baseball team, not unlike what their city was a decade ago. Their headline player is a 39 year old Miguel Cabrera who’s aged and declined to the point that he is nowhere near deserving of that cornerstone status these days. Sure, he got his 3000th hit this year, but that was quite literally the only substantial highlight all year for this team. Other than that, it’s been endless regression. Akil Baddoo and Spencer Torkelson had extended slumps, and big free agent signing Javier Baez was basically an afterthought. This team showed promise last year, but after this year, I’m convinced these tigers won’t be roaring for a long time. Good luck even getting a meow out of them. Detroit is probably used to this abject misery, though. At least that’s what I’d count on.

    Now, we can finally talk about another good team. Scratch that, the best team in the American League. They are still trying to atone for 2017, when their championship win was completely tainted by cheating allegations. When a baseball team has something other than talent in common with the metal band Slipknot, that’s not good. In this case, it was a guy hitting a trash can, and also making the other 29 fanbases scream in relentless anger. I think they can go very far this year, and in my opinion, they will likely represent the AL in the World Series once again. With Yordan Alvarez and Jose Altuve at the plate and Justin Verlander on the mound, anything is possible. If they make it, I hope they win, because I want to see all their haters, myself included, be invalidated. Please Astros, your integrity as a franchise is still on the line.

    And now we go back to the basement to check in on the Kansas City Royals. Their future looks good, but their present is still kinda dreadful. Such is the plight of a rebuilding team in a small market. Other than that, they’ve been pretty nondescript, but that will change if all the prospects develop. I hope for the sake of the players, team, and city that they do.

    The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are the biggest waste of potential in recent MLB history. They somehow signed two Hall of Fame locks in Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani, and have done literally nothing of note except underperform spectacularly. The Angels are the baseball version of the Three-Headed Dragon meme, with Trout and Ohtani being the first two heads. And then the rest of the team is the goofy-looking third head. They almost got it right this year, but collapsed in June and never recovered. And now Trout has a permanent back condition? That’s what happens when you miss every chance you had by 10,000 miles. With the old LolMets memes growing more inaccurate by the year, it’s long past time to start making LolAngels memes. This team is a punchline rivaling the NHL’s Toronto Maple Leafs, and they are probably stuck in that purgatory for a long-ass time. What a joke.

    Next is a sharp contrast to the last team. They are the other Los Angeles team, and the best-run crew in the league. They are the Dodgers, a 110-win team that has been winning division titles with incredible consistency. They are the odds-on favorite to win the World Series, and have a team literally composed of stars. Freddie Freeman, Mookie Betts, Trea Turner, and Clayton Kershaw all call this team home this year. Julio Urias, Will Smith, and Justin Turner are also so good that they’d be faces of most franchises in the league, including the Dodgers. This team is honestly too good, but they just need a championship that didn’t happen in a 60-game season. This may be their best chance yet, and I predict them to win it all.

    The Miami Marlins are a team with great pitching and high potential, but that offense needs work. They also need fans to actually show up, and a good offense would get people coming in. After all, there is no better way to attract fans than to be good. Hopefully with a little more new management in the coming years, they can get better. It’ll be tough in their division though. We shall see if the Marlins sink or swim, I guess.

    The Milwaukee Brewers are the better version of the Marlins, if we are being honest. Their pitching is also top-tier, but that offense has some issues. They are one great hitter away from making noise once again, but Christian Yelich and Hunter Renfroe may not be enough by themselves these days. Here’s hoping the Brewers aren’t drunk at the wheel, because if they are, they are missing a golden opportunity to win it all.

    Despite having ‘win’ in their name, ther Minnesota Twins seem to find difficulty winning at the next level. Carlos Correa is a star, but there’s no way he isn’t leaving in free agency. Other than that, Byron Buxton and Luis Arraez are their offensive stars, but Buxton does get injured a lot. The pitching seems to be suspect, too, but in the first half this year, that wasn’t too bad, because they led the AL Central. Then Cleveland actually showed up, and Minnesota choked. Good luck finding any consistency, Twins. You’ll need it badly.

    Aaron Judge had a historic season, setting the AL record for home runs hit in a single season. Heck, some fans even have the audacity to call him the all-time single season home run king, in spite of the records some steroid users achieved in the NL. I’m not in that camp, but that doesn’t make Judge’s season any less impressive and historic. And I have just remembered that Judge isn’t the only player on the New York Yankees. If that doesn;t prove how much he carried this team this year, I don’t know what does. Without Judge, they’re about as good as Cleveland, if I’m being honest. With him, they have a shot at going far. But if his bat goes cold in the postseason much like A-Rod’s back in the day, the Yankees will be dealing with some problems. On the now-probably small chance they lose Judge in free agency, this team is royally screwed. Their other best hitters are Anthony Rizzo and DJ LeMahieu, and their pitching is led by Gerrit Cole and Nestor Cortes. The bullpen is injured to hell and back, so that could be an issue. I just hope they can overcome it.
    Cue the trumpets, because the New York Mets are a damn good team. The hitting is great, led by Pete Alonso and Francisco Lindor. They have a two-headed monster of Jacob deGrom and Max Scherzer in the rotation, and in the bullpen, they have the one and only Edwin Diaz. His walkout song “Narco” has become as iconic to Mets fans as “Enter Sandman” was to the Yankees in Mariano Rivera’s career. In fact, one of the best moments of the season was when Timmy Trumpet, the man playing the trumpet on the tune, played it live at Citi Field as Diaz entered the game. Timmy would then become a Mets fan for life, in his own words, and he’s from Australia! In other words, LolMets as a meme is just about dead, unless the team chokes in the Wild Card Series. Please do better, Mets. We’d hate to lose the meme, but we want you to be a good team for a change.

    The Oakland Athletics, on the other hand, are more of a mess than even their stadium. They tore it all down last offseason and are beginning a rebuild that may well end their time in Oakland. If Las Vegas is their new home in a few years, I doubt more than 10,000 people will be remotely upset. That’s all that needs to be said as to this team’s state.

Congratulations are in order to the Philadelphia Phillies, because they finally made the     postseason in the Bryce Harper era. It only took 4 years of just missing out and adding a boom-or-bust bat in Kyle Schwarber, as well as some good pitchers. However, the pressure is on the Phillies     to prove that they are legit. If not, there may be some uncomfortable conversations regarding the amount of money spent on this team. Nick Castellanos had an iffy season, while J.T Realmuto was good. But an amount of money likely north of $500 million all spent on various contracts demands results. Please don’t f*** this up.

    The Pittsburgh Pirates didn’t have a great year. However, I’d argue that the team made some mild progress this season. For one thing, Oneil Cruz has potential to be a decent bat. And no play they made this season was as bad as them allowing two runs to score instead of just stepping on first base to end the inning. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, and the Pirates have admitted that much. They just need to actively improve their roster via prospect development in the coming years to remain relevant.

    The San Diego Padres are finally playoff-bound in a normal season. Manny Machado has been stellar, and the pitching has been good. Well, minus a Trade Deadline acquisition in Josh Hader almost imploding in August. They also landed Juan Soto at the Trade Deadline for literally all of their remaining top prospects, putting the team firmly in win-now mode. This is likely going to be a big mistake, because they are in the same division as the Dodgers, and are essentially known as their little brother. On top of that, the dynamic “star” of the team, Fernando Tatis Jr., can’t get out of his own way. First was an injury while riding a motorcycle and then there was an 80-game PED suspension. If the Padres can’t get their act together while their talents are still strong, I have grave fears for the future of the team.

    San Francisco and the Giants had an incredible and improbable season last year, winning 107 games and the NL West. Unfortunately, the team was already pretty old to begin with, and now they are even more so. If you guessed that they would be mediocre because of those grizzled veterans declining, you would be right. Brandon Crawford is more glove-first than ever at shortstop. Their pitching is carried by offseason signing Carlos Rodon. And their best hitter is probably Joc Pederson, who is not a franchise talent on a consistent basis. I thought they would be about as good as the Padres, but apparently the decline in their old stars’ abilities was that rapid. God, this team must miss Buster Posey.

    On the other hand, the Seattle Mariners have made the playoffs for the first time in 20 years. I’d say that’s a hell of an accomplishment. Julio Rodriguez has been a star all year, and Eugenio Suarez has been good, too. Perhaps Seattle will have hope this postseason, which would be nice. After all the rain and their music scene in the 90s growing ever more distant in the past, hope would be very valuable there right now.

    The St. Louis Cardinals are an interesting case. On the one hand, their main goals this year were to give Yadier Molina, Adam Wainwright, and a newly-resigned Albert Pujols a nice ride into the sunset. On the other hand, Pujols is ending his career on an absolute tear, and the team is the NL Central’s division winner.`Pujols crossed the mark of 700 career home runs, becoming the fourth player to reach that rarest of milestones. The other three are all-time greats in Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, and Barry Bonds. Bonds is also the single-season home run king, by the way, and I won’t hear any arguments at this time. Back on topic, good on the Cardinals for giving these three players a storybook ending to their careers. Now watch Wainwright stick around for another season now that I said that he would retire with Pujols and Yadi.

The Tampa Bay Rays had a rough year, at least for a playoff team. Injuries robbed the roster of everything but a pulse this year, yet they hung on for the sixth seed in the American League playoffs. I’m impressed by this, to say the least. What seems to have carried them was the pitching of Shane McClanahan and the offense of Randy Arozarena and some other damn fine players. Now if only their stadium was actually in Tampa, maybe the fans would notice. If a ray stings a person and no one else witnesses it…

The Texas Rangers should have done somewhat better this year than they did. They signed Corey Seager and Marcus Semien to massive contracts and were once again still completely mediocre. The pitching has been decent, and Nathaniel Lowe is incredibly underrated, but the team needs to do more to keep its stars relevant. I say they can do it, but they need to throw their money in places other than the middle infield this time.
    If Aaron Judge wasn’t absolutely dominant this year, it is entirely possible that the Toronto Blue Jays would’ve won the AL East instead. After getting completely shafted by the playoff system last year, they responded by amping up everything. Matt Chapman’s third base defense in addition to better pitching such as Kevin Gausman will totally do that. Bo Bichette and Vladimir Guerrero Jr. are great hitters in their own right, and their supporting cast is also strong. Toronto may make noise this postseason, but I have my doubts they’ll best the Yankees and/or Astros.

Finally, a more depressing story, this one of the Washington Nationals. This team won it all as recently as 2019, but they were always going to have it rough this season. They were an older team in 2019, and decided to rebuild basically the minute after the title defense ended. After all, older players are simply less able to keep up with the league than new blood. Now that they traded Juan Soto to the Padres and lost Max Scherzer in free agency, they are the basement of the league. Despite all of this, the future is somewhat bright. Well, at least compared to Oakland’s.

On that note, I predict that the Astros and the Dodgers make the World Series, with the Astros getting an atonement championship at last. Call me basic, but I want to see the redemption arc complete itself. Have a great day, everybody.